We’re Dying Anyways

“Get ready, this girl will talk your ear off” said my co-worker sarcastically as he introduced me to a new kid I was getting on my caseload. My co-worked had assumed that this girl was low-risk and shy after working with her for a few months. Sheila (name changed for obvious reasons) went unnoticed and brushed off as an easy kid on the caseload.

Multiple weeks later, and I have discovered that Sheila is neither shy nor low-risk. Testing positive for marijuana, sneaking out in the middle of the night to be with her drug-addicted boyfriend, ditching school, and dressing provocatively; Sheila actually told me “I’ve gotten away with so much while on probation” when I questioned how long she has been maintaining this behavior. And she decided to trust me.

I was driving Sheila home about one month into being her Probation Officer. As we walked to the car, I noticed she looked quite sad. After some digging, she tearfully revealed disappointment in herself, and the burden of “measuring up” that her mother makes her feel she must do. “I am just a mess-up” she said, as she wiped tears off her face. Pressing in, I discovered that Sheila lives her life under constant comparison to others while in her home, fear of being alone, and a proclivity to self-destruction.

Asking why Sheila continues to turn to drugs, she said “I like drugs. They make me be able to not think for awhile.” Insightful, Sheila identified that she is with her boyfriend because she is not certain who is was by herself. “He’s just like a drug- he makes me stop feeling and I use him to self-destruct.” When questioned about her future, she replied, “I don’t really care honestly, we are all going to die anyways so we might as well just chill.”

Sheila loves to rap. She loves animals. She’s good at science. Sometimes she writes poetry and lyrics. She plays Fortnite. She’s great at cooking. She loves her siblings. There’s a lot of work to go with this girl, and I cannot wait to continue to peel back the layers of her thoughts with her as she allows me to ask serious questions, lets me praise and encourage her, and listens when I push her to think differently and more critically than she allows herself to think.

Here’s to conversations that push one another to not just accept the status quo for ourselves, and to being willing to get a little uncomfortable for the sake of another.

Potentially Interesting

Today a kid on my caseload got drunk in the back of his school and decide to jump over the school’s back fence to leave. When I asked him about it, he said, “I just didn’t want to be there anymore.” Fair point.

A kid on my caseload that was in juvy told me that they had pretended to be suicidal their first night detained just because they wanted a staff to waste their time sitting 1-1 with them and he knew the right things to say. I tried not to laugh, but these kids are so clever in their payback.

As I tried to think of what my next post should be, I realized that maybe the day to day stories aren’t long or filled with philosophically deep thoughts. Sometimes they are short, sweet, and ridiculous. And sometimes they are short, sad, and incomplete.

I have a very young kid who smokes because he doesn’t “feel funny anymore” when he uses marijuana. I’m not positive that he is even aware of the long-term effects of his choices, or his time on probation.

I have another kid who smokes because every time he gets close to sobriety and back to playing his favorite sport (which he is still getting recruitment letters from college for even though he hasn’t played for a year), his older brother walks into his room with weed and pressures his brother to take a hit, resetting his fight against addiction. DCS won’t get involved because he is old enough to walk away.

This job is full of short stories that are part of much, much, larger stories. As I begin to write this blog, though, I am realizing that most of my stories are very sad. Unfortunately, this is the reality of many kiddos coming from lower socioeconomic status and criminogenic families. My interactions each day with these kids are amazing opportunities to learn perspectives that I may never have learned it from before, and this blog is an opportunity to give others the same choice to see something from a perspective that they may have never considered before. Here’s to having funny stories to share with you later.